Patrice Wilson, Professional Creeper & Life Ruiner

Ever since Rebecca Black's "Friday" went viral for being so horrifically awful, pre-pubescent girls everywhere have become obsessed with releasing their own terrible, TERRIBLE, music videos.

If, like me, you find something weirdly entertaining in going through related video after related video, watching all this hilarious content and feeling better about yourself, you've probably noticed something.

THIS GUY. He's in all of the music videos, usually as the token rap verse.
This guy is Patrice Wilson, aka "Pato", and he owns Ark Music Factory, the "record label" responsible for churning out auto-tuned shite and making thirteen year old girls believe they've "made it" cos their pushy parents paid for them have a shit song released on the Internet, because they are terrible people.


One of the first creepy videos he features in is Alison Gold's "Chinese Food". Yeah, this guy actually produced a music video about Chinese Food. I bet that took a lot of effort to come up with, Patrice. Really musta digged deep for some inspiration. Anyway, so Alison's singing about how much she loves chow mein, chow m-m-m-m-mein, when this panda rocks up out of nowhere:

They're having a great time, cloud spotting, tickling each other...

 

So great that the panda gets invited to their sleepover. Wow!

 

Oh wait, the panda is Patrice Wilson, creepy adult man. SURPRISE!

 

It doesn't stop there. Some of the videos are both creepy and make absolutely no sense."ABCDEFG" is another one of Gold's songs, where she basically sings the alphabet, and something about being on a one-way street, and other generic pop song lines. To be honest I'm not even sure what the song is about because I was too busy focusing on the fucking weird video.

It starts out with Patrice as the owner of some weird toy town that he looks FAR too happy about.

 Like a normal adult, he spies on young Alison through the window into her tiny dollhouse. What a lovely sight to wake up to.

Alison is crushing on this dude but he's all "Alison! Back the fuck off with your basic alphabet shit! I'm trying to study here! Some of us can't buy fake success in this world!"

Patrice sees this, and after whisking her away in his creepy minivan to an underage club, he looks in his kitchen cupboard, and finds a variety of potions.There it is again, chinese food. Obsessed much?

Then he just straight up fucking spikes her drink with a seriously demonic look on his face.

 

Then after some weird scenes featuring the other club-goers accidentally being turned into puppets (silly Patrice, he used the puppet potion instead of the love potion!), it seems like he's using "human potion" to turn them all back. But what actually happens is that the love interest drinks some punch and turns into a fucking PLATE OF CHOW MEIN. Then Alison just kinda shrugs and EATS HIM.

 If that wasn't weird enough, it gets even more creepy. Yep, sexy music videos! Alison then released "Shush Up", which a lot of people complained about for being too inappropriate. I can see where they were coming from. ALISON IS ELEVEN IN THIS VIDEO.

 

Not the most practical outfit for robbing a jewelery store...

 

I'm pretty sure that's not a regulation prison uniform. Or is gold the new black?

 Oh dear God please stop.

Patrice Wilson effectively gets paid to ruin young girls' lives. Imagine three or four years down the line, Alison Gold is going to be absolutely mortified. How the HELL can people's parents be on board with this, no less pay the man MONEY to exploit their daughter? The world is coming to this weird 'Dance Mom' ideology, of my kid needs this, my kid needs to be the best, my kid needs to be rich and famous. Jesus Christ, just let them go out and play with their friends like normal children. And stop giving this man money! It's creepy as hell!

Tegan xo