The 15 Stages of a Night Out

Going out clubbing or whatever is great. But is it me or does it usually always go down the same way? 

1.) Getting Ready

Arguably the most important part. Yes, this will often differ between the sexes: girls usually spend the whole time half naked, sweating, trying to not to sweat and therefore re-applying deoderant repeatedly, scrabbling about for the mirror, re-gluing eyelashes, trying on about sixteen different outfit combinations, before FINALLY being satisfied. Or, you're a girl who just gets her shit done and is content in twenty minutes. Shout out to those girls. Or, you're a guy who also stresses. Will this shirt show sweat patches? Should I take a jacket? The struggle is REAL when you're getting ready.

2.) Group Selfies

Because we fucking tried, all right? Our outfits are on POINT, and we spent a lot of time getting to this level of fine. Also, people need to know that we have friends and we're beautiful, and we don't always look like the drunken apes that may get photographed later in the night. Yeesh.

3.) Pre-drinks, or if you're super-white, "prinks"

OK, forget what I said about getting ready - THIS is the most important part. Because we are too young and too poor to afford to buy enough drinks in the club to get us drunk. Pre-drinks are bonding experiences. Especially if you play Never Have I Ever. Just don't get carried away and get too drunk to go out, trust me.

4.) Getting there

Everyone's smashed from the pre drinks, you're hyped for the club, oh yeah! Handstands optional. 

5.) Woohoo!

Yeah! This is what you came for! The drunk dancing, the batting away pervs, the getting YO TWERK ON.

All fun and games until...

6.) Oh fuck, I've lost all my friends.

Guys? Guys? Come on... Maybe I shouldn't have stopped to stare at that girl's shoes/talk to that person who was in my Psychology class two years ago...

7.) No wait, I found them again! 

It's alright everyone! After seven laps of the club, I found them, they were just outside in the smoking area. Oh, but wait....

8.) Someone's puking.

"OK, I feel so much better guys! Let's go dance!" But wait...

9.) Someone's crying...

OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SAID THAT ABOUT ME WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME OH MY GOD TALK TO ME MY LIFE IS SO BAD

10.) OK, let's dance a bit more...

11.) Nah fuck it I'm leaving.

You've had enough. You're tired. They've played all the fun songs, or maybe someone's pissed you off. Or both. Now all you want is your bed. But first-

12.) FOOD

Always fast food, and always in large quantities. Then you get home and...

13.) Oh crap, need to sober up.

You've got shit to do in the morning! Quick, drink a gallon of water!

14.) Or I'll just go straight into bed. Yeah.

Or just pass out wherever's comfiest.

15. The Next Morning

You feel like shit, and someone just tagged 5 photos of you, and one of them is bound to involve you carrying some form of road equipment that you thought it would be hilarious to pick up. You just found a selfie on your phone with someone you don't even know. Or you've woken up with your friends, and you launch into a full scale evaluation of the previous night. Whatever happens the next day, you nearly always say "I'm never drinking again, seriously". Then do the exact same thing a week later.