1. The crap excuses for a day off
Is it me or did the staff at Calthorpe love a day off? Or just an excuse to spice things up? First, the "SLUGG Walk" came along where we basically got a day to chillax in the sun, checking out the various stalls and games on offer after walking round one lap of the school "for charity" or something. Then when the House system came in they gave us "House Day", a day to 'bond with your tutor group' as you go about doing ridiculous tasks like forming a rock band or doing Christmas themed Maths puzzles. And don't get me started on "Olympic Day" and "Media Day"...
2. Always wanting to graduate to that black jumper and show everyone who's in charge.
Yep, there's no mistaking me for a Year Seven anymore, guys. The black jumper's here. That's right. I rule the skool.
3. The unnecessarily long end of term assemblies.
Twice a year we had to lug our OWN chairs to the Hart Leisure Centre and sit with our asses going numb for about three hours whilst we watched people win awards, listened to the token 'great singer' of the year belt out a tune, and cringe as the staff yelled Dad jokes at each other from across the room in an attempt to create 'festive banter'. You know the ones. The ones that usually start with "I say, I say, I say, Mr Ellis..." Stop right there, mate.
4. Mr Brand and his waistcoats.
A purveyor of fine fashion, Mr Brand never went a day without one of his silk waistcoats cos he was, to be quite honest, an absolute legend. Who can forget the cycle safety video he made when he got in a bike accident? Classic.
5. Mr Amos and his deep meaningful assemblies
Let's be honest, Mr Amos was bae. He was the only member of staff that could start an assembly talking about the time he went to Thorpe Park and finish it with "and that's when I learned a great lesson about perseverance."
6. Tech being the ultimate doss.
I'm sorry, you want me to build an electric buzzer? Nah. Unless you took this at GCSE, Tech was the doss of the week. It's where I made my closest friends. It was where you unleashed your rascal side. People who got straight A*s in Science would come to Tech and get sent out. It was a whole other world. Sorry Mr Bidder.
7. Being sent to Pastoral for your serious threats to other people's education.
If you haven't got a tie, if your skirt's too short, if you're wearing (god forbid) nail varnish, well, you're fucked. Your entire education - screwed. Better rush you off to a safe place before you infect other people's learning.
8. Sports Day being an absolute joke
9. The black market for House Badges
"Can you sort me out with a Marie Curie? I've lost mine and I can't be going back to Pastoral, I'm on report." And there was always that one kid who thought he was a total hardman cos he could pierce his skin with the badge without even so much as a flinch of pain.
10. Thinking you were at the centre of all things high tech and innovative when the dinner lady stopped saying "card pls" and instead "thumb pls"
I can go into debt on my thumb?! What kind of school of the future is this?!
|No money on your thumb? You're a worthless individual|
11. The soap opera love affair between *those* 3 members of staff.
I don't even have to name and shame. We all know the ones. The married couple. The ski trip affair. The kids. The pregnancy. It was like Hollyoaks came to Hitches Lane.
12. Feeling a stab of pain when Ms Cho put you on the "bad side" of the whiteboard
And subsequently refusing in protest when she told you to "put the gum... in the bin".
13. Mini fist-pumping if you had Mr Wilbraham for Science
14. ...And dreading it if you had Mr Hill.
15. The arch rivalry with Court Moor
|Behind enemy lines|
Towards the end of school, some made friends with them, but the underlying competition was always there.
16. Scoffing at the school's ridiculous attemps at discipline.
Who remembers the "CaR licenses" we had in our homework diaries? Where if you got 12 points on your license you got a Saturday detention or something? Mad.
17. Being outraged that Year 11s had their own dining room and special door.
Until you got to Year 11 and had the power, which you abused to the max.
18. Going to the Hart Leisure Centre for PE and terrorising the local clientele
Those poor, innocent Fleet folk going for their pilates classes.
19. The "Smokers Bridge"
Where only the hardest of the hard hung out. The place that was just off site so technically legal to smoke on as soon as you left school. Although still kind of illegal cos everyone was like fourteen.
20. Kind of missing the whole place
It was a bit shit, the uniform was disgusting, and you hated half the people you interacted with on a day to day basis. But you'd still probably give anything to go back to the days where your biggest responsibility was getting your homework diary signed (or forging it). Ah, good old Calthorpe...